Happy V Day! Here we have a throwback from last year, some forlorn lovers trying to make a connection. See if you can identify all of them (some are real, some are fake!) but if you’re having trouble, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org for the answers.
MfW: Costume Party Kisses
I saw you from behind my mask at the party last night and I knew that you were something special. Sorry I had to run away so fast after we kissed…saw your parents and had to bounce.
MfW: Pharaoh, be my Empress
I could never resist your beauty and charms, but you could resist mine…until now. Now that your lover / my friend has died, I can’t wait any longer. Our countries should be together, and so should we. Take the first ship you can to meet me, and we will see if I can win you over.
WfM: Trade Your Table for My Bed
Your knight’s armor, your tights and tunic, how could I resist you? I know I shouldn’t have these feelings, but you’re everything I need. Let’s arrange a meeting, sometime, anytime, but please be discreet- you know what would happen if my royally jealous husband found out.
WfW: A rose is a rose is a rose
I’ve just arrived in Paris and found your salon. There, surrounded by writers and painters, I could only see you. So it might have been the brownies, it might have been the absinthe, it must have been fate- but I’ve found you. I want to be your everything- wife, critic, editor, muse. Please write to me and write about me.
WfM: Temptation Island
It’s the weirdest thing, seeing you, I almost feel like I was made for you. And even made from you. Like from one of your body parts. That sounds weird, I know, but everything’s weird in this place. Give me a holler- I want to see what’s under that fig leaf!
MfW: Lady In Waiting, Don’t Keep Me Waiting
You are a total babe. I know that I am the king, and that I have a wife, but I can get her executed No Problem. Say you’ll be mine, for I love you more than my current wife, and the one before her too. And if you die, I’ll totally wait a minute before marrying another string of ladies. For realsies.
MfW: The elephant to the dove
You’re my student, I’m married, you have a unibrow: there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t want to marry you. But I do. And if we fought and yelled and divorced, well, I would probably marry you again. We would paint beautifully together, I know it.
FtM: Bad to the Bone
Let’s hit the road, get out of this town. You ain’t no good, but I’m no better. We gotta get you outta jail, then we’ll tour this country, make some hits, and take what we can. I’ll drive.
Whoops dropped my beret.
MfW: I love something, maybe you?
Me encanta tu fiery red hair and roaring laugh. We would look so good together in person and on TV. And I will buy you chocolates. A truckload of chocolates. A factory of chocolates. An assembly line of chocolates.
FtM: I feel the chemistry
I love you for your brains, not your beauty. You yourself are a positively glowing individual. If I could rewrite the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine together, for U and I! I can think of nothing better than working countless hours in a lab next to you. Hit me back.
MfW: My Sexy Lass and Her Lovely Ass and Her Noisy Gas
You inspire me to write- both clever books and dirty, explicit love letters. Let’s try Snapchat?
WfM: Don’t Let Me Down
Your band is pretty cool, I guess, but I kind of think they’re holding you back. Everyone knows it. If you get with me, I know we can make beautiful music together and some conceptual art too. Everyone loves conceptual art.
Saw you at the family reunion. We talked about how our favorite team won the SuperBowl. You are the hottest 13 year old ever. I was your creepy older doped up cousin. I want to do you and write about weird stuff and see how that goes. Hope you don’t die of tuberculosis.
MfW: Looking for something a little different?
From one philosopher to another, I want to use my mind all over you. I want to be as open as possible with you- if you are the second sex, I want to be at least 5 of the others.
MfW: Never Let Go
You snuck out of your floor and came to my party even though your friends wouldn’t approve. You looked pretty good dancing, but I bet you’d look even better in the backseat of someone else’s model T. And I want to draw your boobs. Meet me below deck.
WfM: You Make My Head Spin (Right Off LOL)
Even though this is going to be a politically based marriage, I just know I’m going to be glad to have you by my side. I know you’ll be busy, what with all the turmoil in this country, but it’s worth it to be with you. I don’t even care about all the gossip! I don’t even really like cake all that much! Except for when I eat it with you, my dear. Let’s meet in the grands appartements?
MfW: So Sweet, You’re giving me a toothache (JK I have wooden teeth)
You were the wealthy widow with a good family name. I was that guy standing up while crossing the Delaware. Baby, you can chop down my cherry tree anytime. Send a town crier my way and I’ll mount your vernon.
6 months ago
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, don’t try to fight it. Give in to your sentimental side. Come hang out at the Third Annual Sexy SASS and let yourself be swept away by romantic history lectures. The evenings topics include:
- Historic Peep Shows in NYC as told by Angela Serratore
- Old Fashioned Boobs as told by Camille Burford
- The History of Dying Alone as told by Cori Carl
BONUS: Stick around when the lectures are through for SASS After Hours. Listen to readings of historic romance novels by professional erotica narrators as you mingle with like minded history nerds and enjoy the Bedford’s yummy bar menu. We can’t promise you’ll meet your soul mate, but let’s be honest, you probably will.
What You Need to Know:
Love Reading? Here are more details:
The History of Peep Shows, Featuring NYC
Angela Serratore, a Sexy SASS veteran, teaches us the history of peep shows. Who knew there’s more to it than just “Lace” in Times Square?!
Old Fashioned Boobs
Camille Burford, host of HGTV’s “Design Wars’ investigates how our perception of boobs and the garments that hold them up has changed throughout the years.
The History of Dying Alone
Cori Carl, the captain of Team Dying Alone, has made it her mission to relate the history of dying alone to us all. If we’re lucky, she’ll also include tips on how to be the best cat lady you can be.
7 months ago